Hey there Dezi girl! This is the second fall we have celebrated our 3 forever days and 7 birthdays with out you. This year was definitely harder. In fact the last 7 months have been incredibly difficult.

First up in the fall the twins turned 12. They have grieved the most raw and affectively. This was their second year playing Volleyball. All 3 of your younger sisters feel special wearing the jerseys that were donated in your honor. They got their ears pierced for their birthday. What a blessing the letter you wrote them has been. We are homeschooling this year and joined a new co op. That has been a HUGE blessing. E is going to play basket ball this year and remains a faithful prayer warrior. F is supporting the teams through care and prayer this season. She still hopes to one day be a veterinarian. You would love seeing them grow and building relationships.

Your first 2 brothers joined our family 8 years ago and T became a Rohrer 6 years ago!! The 2 oldest boys live on their own. They are both doing well aside from the gaping hole you left in our world. I’ll chat with you offline about your favorite big brother. I will say you two had a special bond that many siblings never experience. Thank you for loving big and forgiving easy!

Your birthday looked incredibly different than I imagined this year! I spent 5 plus hours driving to and from a cold gym with no cell service to watch A, F & E play 4 games of volleyball! We made ribbons for the team to wear for your birthday. They were orange and gold. It wasn’t a day I care to repeat….I won’t bore you with the details.

I was just thinking the other day that boredom wasn’t something you recognized. You were amazing at being present and purposeful with your time. You were constantly learning and Thankful for the most mundane things.

25 September, the day after your 17th birthday, we celebrated you! No friends…just our family. The weather couldn’t have been ordered any more perfect. We made a small carving with 17 rays for us to remember the day by. Uncle Denver and Auntie El gave me a framed printout of the frequency of your heartbeat! With it came a recording of your heartbeat….I cried! It was exactly the kind of day you would have chose.

Well, this year, I turned the big 40! I know you would have done something to make me feel special and loved like every other year since you made me a mama. You would have loved all the details from Auntie El planning my birthday get away, coming up with recipes together that you knew I would drool over. You would have anxiously awaited me coming home and telling you all about the days I was away. I know EVERY SINGLE detail would have been a delight to you like most things were! You would have felt JOY because I was being treated for once. Thank you for being Compassionate, Grateful and Kind!

Pip is 15 now and Max is 4! That meant two birthday parties with friends. I am thankful that you haven’t been here to endure the pain that is growing your lil sis into an incredible young woman! Grief hasn’t came easy for her and I. We have grown quite close to each other and learned to lean on Jesus like never before.

Max, Oh my, where to start?! I feel like you know him already. Many times I think you must visit him in his dreams and whisper in his ear….”be sure to lick mommy’s face when she is expecting a kiss” “dandelions are the best flowers”….. Not a day goes by that Max doesn’t make us laugh. We all thank God that you begged so hard for a baby! Somehow you knew that I needed a toddler to make me get out of bed. That I needed a reason to be better even though it feels futile most days. He has intuition beyond his years, he feels what others feel, he’s sensitive and a wild firecracker all in one bundle!

He thanks God for you, loves bringing treasures to your grave and looking at the book you made him. His favorite color is orange. His favorite church shirt has flowers on it, he loves wearing his Dezi shirt and twinning with anyone in the house! Max is crazy smart and focused when he wants to be and yet can’t sit still to listen to a book. He loves books and being read to.

This year for his birthday he wanted a dandelion cake and party! I wasn’t sure how!?! He then settled on a rainbow monster truck birthday! The day before his party I walked out to the garden and there peaking out of the dead leaves was the tiniest dandelion I have ever seen. Thank you for sending Max a dandelion just in time for his birthday!

Grief has came painfully slow for me as well. I lost my words the day you died. I don’t cry like I think I should, grief is way more physical than I ever could have believed. At the speed of a sloth army crawling through frozen peanut butter my words are coming back! I am unpacking feelings, Our entire family is on a healing journey and I WILL share your story for Gods Glory….I rest in knowing that God will give me the words when the time is right.

Way to show cancer that it can’t win against our GOD!!! Just like I promised you, we will be okay….it may take a decade but we will be better than okay! Grief is unpredictable and a dumpster fire most days but GOD IS GOOD!!! Life has dealt our family many difficult things since May 20, 2021 and yet I see Gods hand molding and shaping us.

Your legacy lives on! We are educating others about health, we are sharing your equipment to help others, we are working on starting a breeding program to further our ability to help others on their healing journeys in your memory!

The devil meant this to harm you but God is still using your story to bring others closer to Him!! Victory in Jesus Baby Girl!

I love you – mama