Here is the jumbled 411…….the last almost 2 months have been ROUGH.

This is RAW….I(we) are in a very broken place. I can’t express how we feel or what we are going through as a family so I’m just going to give you the broken pieces, the crumpled rough drafts, because that’s the beat I can do right now!

This entire post is going to be patched together and may not make sense, the result of multiple attempts at posts that I never finished or posted.

It’s been like a really ugly cry. Snotty, salty tears, bouts of screaming and hyperventilating. Sure we have laughed and had good times. Everything isn’t bad. September started out with conflicting reports on Dezirae’s scans.

From 9/17 Last week proved to be emotionally taxing.

Dezirae had scans and the doctor informed us that 2 tumors had grown…. Two days later the official report came back and there actually wasn’t any growth since her last scans.

During that waiting period I received a phone call that literally dropped me to my knees. A warrior mama friend of mine called to tell me her daughter had died the day before.

Her sweet girl, battled Osteosarcoma and won! Her and Dezirae had a kind of bond that can only be formed by extraordinary circumstances as theirs. They worried about and prayed for each other. Both faced amputation head on and always so glad to see each other at their monthly support group.

Our hearts are breaking over and over for her family. Then they break again for the many other fellow warriors she has lost and their families

9/26 – unfinished post Scans were over a week ago. We were originally told that two tumors had grown and surgery needed to happen before the end of the year. Not terrible news but the thought of another surgery so soon wasn’t great either.

Two days later I received a call from a warrior mama friend. The news was crushing. In a second their world was ripped apart, as their precious daughter went to be with Jesus! She was Dezirae’s friend. They loved hanging out! You see, they both fought Osteosarcoma.

They checked on each other after surgeries, cheered each other on and had a bond that only happens from fighting a battle alongside someone. They both loved rainbows. A loved unicorns. She fought with the gracefulness and strength that the Bible talks about when it mentions unicorns.

As we reeled from this devastating news and our hearts were breaking repeatedly for our friends…..we received the final radiology read from Dezirae’s scans.

It was news worth celebrating and yet we were and are, Empty when it comes to celebrating better than expected results.

Each time Dezirae looses a friend, we see a small part of her die right along with them. She still handles it with grace and strength I can only hope to possess! In April Dezirae was interviewed about her journey with cancer. When asked, “What’s your biggest fear about having cancer?”.

She replied, “Losing all my friends and being the last person with cancer”. On September 11th, my daughters greatest fear became a reality. This fear was the result of our friends losing their daughter. As parents we have watched her sink into the darkest place she has been during this battle.

We have been quiet this month……I still don’t have words to express what is going on here.

Death is final and Oh so painful for us. Heaven is the best reward for a child who has fought this nasty disease! Dezirae’s tumors did NOT grow. We will continue to praise God for the healing He has done but we don’t feel happy or like celebrating.

We need time….We are human….We Love…We know we are loved…..right now we only feel pain. Pain for all of our friends who have lost children…..pain for Dezirae having to lose one friend after another….pain that comes from so much trauma and loss

10/26/19 8 of our children joined our family between Sept 3 – November 8 so it’s a busy time.

We are worn! Years of parenting trauma kids, (trauma upon trauma from unhealthy relationships, cancer, addiction, attachment disorders, mental/behavioral health). All of our hard work at trying to be financially stable almost gone to keep one child alive and make ends meet. One maybe 2 of our children being broken beyond what we can “fix”. LOVE IS NOT ALWAYS ENOUGH!!!!

We are trying to regroup amidst utter chaos. I have started counseling….we are exploring options for kiddos to get the help they need.

This picture pretty much sums it up! I went to pour my coffee and this……

We are working on new shirts that will support Dezirae as she bravely battles on and teaches others how to gracefully live with cancer(yes, she still has 5 tumors). They will also help cover some of the expenses involved with her diet and supplements!