Pollyanna

IMG_2415IMG_2418IMG_2429IMG_2434IMG_2267IMG_2277IMG_2318IMG_2363IMG_2388I was just sitting for a bit. Dezirae walks in and says “Mommy, I’m glad I got cancer” 🙂

In my head I’m screaming “WHAT???….do you know we are barely hanging on by a thread and things feel like they are falling apart by the seams?”

Dez- “I know it made people believe in Jesus and helped them”

 

For 7 1/2 months Dezirae and I just wanted to move into our new house with the rest of our family. We wanted to be “normal” again. Normal is such a stupid word!!

The truth is that she and I can’t understand what the other 7/10ths of us went through, while they can’t understand what we went through. Now that may not sound so complicated, BUT

When baby girl and I are super sad and attending a funeral of a dear friend and the other part of us doesn’t even know this precious girl or her family….it is HARD! When we celebrate milestones of our family that we left behind at the hospital and Trav and the kids don’t get it!

Im sure you’ve heard people say they can’t sleep in the hospital, but to us the beeps are comforting and safe! The staff and other families became our new family and now we aren’t with them anymore…..once again we are left torn and trying to process feelings that many people can’t even comprehend.

We are home. We are Thankful and blessed! We are working very hard on being a family again! It’s not easy and quite frankly feels impossible many days.

Dezirae is allowed to put 50% of her body weight on her left leg! We see the surgeon again July 5. We are hoping for 100%!

Dezirae is processing things more now too. She knows she can relapse and that if she does she will lose her leg. She knows that she has the right to refuse chemo and I will stand behind her no matter what she chooses! She knows if it comes back it’s harder to treat and beat!

These conversations make me feel angry! I don’t want to have to talk to my child about options. Despite all the tough and UGLY we have all faced the last couple months her Faith never waivers!

We have seen years of regression in other kiddos because of Dezirae’s cancer! Starting last week we are working on getting the therapy/counseling that we all need to come out on the other side of this stronger!

Once again in the face of ugly God has given me PEACE! I do not know what the future holds but I know that He will provide!!

8 responses to “Pollyanna

  1. No, we can not begin to understand, and YET, we can pray, we Do care, and we hurt with you with each word we read. Huge hugs, and more prayer for each new day, to find HIS peace! WE love you all♥

  2. We have never met but my husband and I pray for your family nightly. And we will continue to do so, just as many others are, I’m sure.

  3. I cannot begin to imagine how hard it is for you all right now in trying to put it all together again in this new phase of life. So sorry that it is so hard. We will pour out to our Heavenly Father on your behalf!!!!

  4. Lots of love and hugs. And thank you for being real and vulnerable and honest about where you all are. We need more people like you!!

  5. Your words are beautiful but at the same time breaks my heart for both of you! It’s a mother’s worse nightmare to have those horrible life options for their child! through life storms many people meet Jesus and she is right… if it took CANCER to meet him then it’s a good thing because maybe you wouldn’t have him at all! Praying and love for you always!

  6. I appreciate your honesty. We will keep praying and trust that your whole family will come through this refining process with shining faces! ❤️

  7. Prayers and love sent to you and your family. My Girl Scout troop mailed a box of cookies to your daughter. I was just curious if she received them and the photo?

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